Three Days, Three Room Arrangements

I am notorious for re-arranging items in my room now and again. These past week has been about enlistment for classes and doing my work online. While waiting, I have been cleaning and arranging things in my room. Aside from being a function of having limited space, and there being lots of books in boxes, I clean out and re-arrange as often as I can so that I can work off tension.

This is the age of working and studying from home. There needs to be space enough for rest and work. There needs to be enough flexibility but also distinction between different activities. There needs to be enough indoor and outdoor.

I have this inner unrest, and my self-confidence is still low. School days are really upon us.

Now then, time to breathe.

170 Days on Community Quarantine

It has been over a year since my last post. Let me remind myself again that this blog is for taking things a day at a time. Today, I had to attend to some matters for school and work (which has been my routine for the past few years). I have perhaps had to adjust better to house work as well. 

In the past year, I had to move to a new place, and just in time before the major complication for absolutely everyone in the word.

It is the year 2020. Calamities abound. At the beginning of the year, a new Corona Virus was found: COVID-19. There was a volcanic eruption. Cases of the virus began to rise all over the world. Economic turmoil has affected many nations. Extra-judicial killings in the Philippines continue. The Anti-Terror Law is passed.

This has weighed down my heart for the past year. These past months have stretched out my human capacity for physical strength and emotional resolve.

The height of my anxiety over the present circumstances that I have been processing is alike to when I prepare for exams at school. The constant stress, therefore, I believe eats up all the attention and strength that I could muster.

The deep moments of joy come from above and beyond me. Every week, despite the shifting circumstances, the church has been holding worship services. It is a natural break for me, and whatever productivity or unproductivity I may have incurred for the past week is set aside for rest. It is a gift. While it is also my job, it marks the rest during my week.

Things have changed, aside from the year turning. It has pointed to some fundamental, indispensable things. Things that are missed when they are away. I miss the afternoon walk for errands. I miss the ride to school with casual conversations with the driver and other passengers. I miss seeing faces. People having to be apart for long has taken its toll. Everything - school, work, home - continues, except for the community being virtual. It's not the same. During the quarantine, we celebrated a few birthdays. Being away from people I wanted to celebrate has made these celebrations a little bit melancholic. 

I don't thinkit will be over soon, at least not for my country. And so, because it is hard to think of good memories for the future, I have been keeping my a visual diary of mundane treasures from my daily activities. Perhaps when I look back after another year or so, the hodgepodge I will find will look understandably dull, but still hopefully fulfilling.

2019. Day 215.

Today marks the first day of classes for my third year as a law student. Blogging has been out of rotation among my activities. I have kept a few other blogs from when it was a thing. This, I now revisit as a public publishing of my daily thoughts. Aside from this, let's call it grammar practice. On my planner, I only scribble out phrases for the events of the day.

We met our professor in Corporation Law this morning. Thankfully, one of my classmates was able to gather that the class will be held despite a memo being issued that the first day of classes will begin on Monday. The professor wanted to get the orientation done as soon as possible, so that the business of studying could begin.

I and a group of friends had a good long breakfast together. There was no champorado, so I had to resort to other rainy day favorites: monggo soup and calcag rice (fried rice with stir-fried shrimp). I went for personal and work errands after breakfast.

The weather was gloomy and rainy, so even with carrying 2 heavy bags, by the end of the morning, I felt less exhausted. I dropped to sleep in the afternoon before resuming some evening cleaning and preparations for tomorrow. I managed to check on a few things that I can de-stash -- as a project that a friend of mine seems worthy to me. Mostly, I have to part with bags. I have yet to settle whether it would be wise to part with books. I will think about it further.

Testing of Faith

In college it was not a question of having time. It was more about asking the right questions because one really knows so little. At the time I really read to learn and grow. These days it's taking notice of things that had been there. It's forming clouds of related thoughts.
On Easter morning, I did not do an Easter related Bible reading for my personal time. I read from Genesis and Judges. From Genesis, the account of Jacob's first vision in the desert (Luz) when he was seeking the native home of his mother. His faith was conditional: if you will be with me, you will be my Lord. From Judges, a short summary of the first four judges in the history of Israel. Their call was for leadership in conquest and customary obedience to God's ways. The faith of Israelites who had not been tested in battle is the subject for the coming period: obedience to the instruction of God comes with deliverance and victory.
To me, it seems shallower than what faith has come to mean: to hope in something you cannot grasp. Both examples of faith seem like a transaction of good will. Christians today still hold God to a standard of trust too. However, faith today is sure because of good will: that indeed our sins are forgiven on the basis of Christ's obedience and triumph on the cross.
I must admit that even though I should want for nothing, I feel I still bargain my obedience for rewards. Perhaps it's the fact that eternal life doesn't seem here and now. Daily living just seems so important because it's today.
Test my faith, Lord, but not for the worth I feel it would bring. Your will alone be done.

Weekend Wrap-up

I had just come from facilitating for a small group of students. Two weeks with students is a short span of time to really develop a comprehensive opinion, but that's the reason why it is called an exposure. My own basic toolkit for facilitation is a listening ear, a ready smile and an eye for reading faces. I have been part of a few projects with different people from foreign countries. And at the start the language is the most obvious mountain to summit.
The truth is, it's not such a tall mountain. Aside from the help of excellent interpreters, I have learned that one of the most important things with a group endeavor is setting up ground rules for the whole team. It will be hard enough to be in a strange situation, but it will be easier to go through any experience with a winning team attitude.
By the end of the two-week exposure, I got my rest, and am currently working on staving off a bacterial infection. I cannot let it just pass right now because I have a long day trip coming. Plus, it's never convenient to get sick.
I did enjoy this past experience, though. It is always a special memory to see a group form a system of support and open pockets of dialogue to share thoughts. Compliance to the schedule draws surface observations, but group reflection, pieces together personal opinion, feelings and knowledge. What students do afterwards shows how much they interact with their group and personal times. At the very end of the exposure, the students were given homework to do some art. The output was amazing to me. Each one was a record of what they valued the most from their personal experiences. This is what I will treasure.
The students are all back in their homes now. I do not think of the exposure as a pivoting experience for them. In many ways, the students will have bigger and more harrowing experiences in their lives. I prefer to believe that the exposure will be part of what they will consider in the future as part of their framework. This is where I hope I have been responsible in the time I had been allowed to think with all of them. To my group, I hope for the best.
Growing takes time, but like the sugarcane, the sweetness comes after much rain, much heat and much work.

Downplaying Expectations

I do tend to overwork based on expectations in some instances. I am now on a second run as a program assistant with my college for an international exposure program. I enjoyed the first run. This time I am on edge over the fact that I am not yet ready to jump in at just barely two weeks to go. I have done bare minimum work, but I am expected to get into the details soon. In the meantime I cannot yet say what it is that preoccupies me. Big projects all around. That's all I can say for now.

Testing

First of the year.

Scared of the Rain

The rains in the metro have been causing more than floods, since it has also greatly disrupted traffic. The other day, Tuesday, so many people got stuck on the road for hours. And at home, the power was out. This deadly combination got me thinking about little kids going to and from school. I know that in many ways, those who were able to post their concerns by social media are the workers who have to suffer through a long day and then a long night of rain and traffic. But just imagine the kids!
When I was growing up in Baguio, I remember the typhoon and monsoon seasons with its strong rains, power outages and the cold. When we were home and cancellations were announced early, we enjoyed soup, a warm mug of Milo, and extra sleep. But typhoon season meant we had to go to school extra early so we could avoid the rains. We huddled up to the radio at around 4:00 to listen to AM news where the updates were announced. If by 5:00, there were not cancellations, we waited for the first jeepney out to go to school. My siblings and I usually arrive at school at 5:45 in the morning. So there were times when the cancellations would come by 6:30, and we had to walk back to the jeepney station 30 minutes away. We would be home by 7:30 AM.
Rains could be very strong, so once we reached home we had to empty our bags and air dry our books, notebooks, shoes and clothes. As Baguio people, we did not have electric fans because of the cold weather, so air drying took all day and night. At times we had to hang up some of our stuff at the back of the refrigerator, where the air was warm.
The season meant other chores too. Before the warm, cozy perks of the rainy day, we had to make sure of some things around the house. One, the water drums in the back yard were to be opened to catch rain water. Two, the windows and doors of the house were to be shut reinforced with rags. Three, new leaks and drips were to be cleaned, dried, plugged and logged for repair. Four, candles, emergency lamps and food were brought out for quick access. After all this, we would enjoy TV if there was power, catch up on some random art projects, or stay out in the rain for games.
Nowadays, I am less fond of the rainy weather, because things have become more than just being ready with a few extra chores. I think, as a rule, the season has become more threatening, because things tend to turn worse, compounded with factors that people can supposedly regulate and be more disciplined about. I wonder how much more metro-dwellers can take, though.
Earlier today, I told a housemate of mine, that we should go home to the provinces, because the rains were becoming scarier, with the power outages and floods. He said that back home, power outages were common, he was used to them, and that hopefully people would invest on better infrastructure for energy. And I just responded that our islands had a myriad of concerns, and how colorful it is to be Filipino. To another housemate, who was worried about getting home through another Rain+Traffic combo, I said #WowPhilippines #Sarcasm. And then, again, I thought about kids, getting through the terrible weather, wondering what defense mechanisms they would develop growing up in such times as these.

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28th Year

For the past years, every date of my birthday, I always think about the year before and all that had happened. I also reflect on what my mother had been doing at the same age. My mother was young when she had me. I was 6 when she was my age at 28. How different things have turned out for me. I am unmarried, but committed to a relationship with Poy.
I have chosen to pursue further studies and find a job with modest pay. I am still supported by Mama, with a monthly allowance, which I save in the bank. I think that my life is much slower than hers was as a 28-year old. She was a young instructor at the university, and I was a wide-eyed kindergarten student. This year, many people hope that I finish my graduate school thesis.
I can, but will I? I should. I could. I must. I will.

Memories from the Afternoon Music

Because there are a lot of people all the time in the local coffee house favorites, i chose to visit the nearby crepe cafe near our house for an afternoon of studying and casual reading. I was listening to an audio book after having put it aside for later reading, but now and again, I would stop and listen to the music played in the background. The afternoon's playlist is a Beatles album.
The Beatles are one of the bands Mama listened to, and one of the first CDs she bought in the late 90s. When many of my age were solely fans of current day bands, I listened to the Beatles because it was Mama's music, and I really like listening to things.
On the summer I had first listened to the Beatles hits, Mama had a portable CD player (like a Walkman, but it played CDs) which I would play out through the night. It had rechargeable batteries which I would charge up every afternoon.
I had probably first acquired such a habit of listening to something to lull me to sleep because I had such anxious evening thoughts. Later I grew into a habit of falling asleep to movies, setting the TV to sleep after some hours. Of late, I have been wanting to get rid of this habit of playing a movie/TV series on the background since it is sometimes counterintuitive to the goal of falling asleep, not only for me, but also to roommates. I find it harder though, to shake off listening to something to fall asleep.

posted from Bloggeroid

Translated Awkwardness

Social interactions seem very tricky to me. I find it harder these days to respond to the customary "kumusta?" But then again, perhaps it had always been quite hard for me. A wall erects within my mind, composed of 10 statements on the matter, all at once. Which one would I be best able to elucidate? Is it merely the fact that I don't have a ready answer to such a question? Perhaps. But it also may be because I lack a level of social graces that keep me afloat and keep me honest at the same time. Social interactions are a charade, to some extent. They keep things pleasant and organized between people but they sometimes become a sham, with no honesty. I don't prefer my state, where I leave a conversation hanging often for longer than I would like, but I can say I have no filters when it comes to such things. Conversations with me end the way they do because I have nothing more to say, and I can think of nothing appropriate to gently ease out of the interaction. How painful it is to be aware of this fact and then come back later in thought for something that would have been better to say or do.

posted from Bloggeroid

Changes on Being Judgmental

I listened to Bach played on acoustic guitars recently. It is by no means pop. I find I know much less of current pop artists than I do a few pieces of classical music. I have listened less and less to music over the years, not by choice really. It just kind if happened.
I do feel more connected to 80s, 90s and 00s music, singing words I used to know from the times I listened to the radio. I can relate to TV teenagers who would be fascinated with the guy who brooded and played the guitar for the band. I realize that there are much more interesting things to talk about with other people than the guitar-playing type.
I'm not so sure why, and how come, but I have started to become cynical about some things I used to prefer as a teenager. To be fair, they were passing fancies. Before the cellular phone selfie, I practiced using my digicam for taking selfies. I also used to enjoy just amassing random photos of the day. My digicam would sometimes have up to 500 photos for a single day, when I would document an event for my student organization. I managed my personal computer space very tightly because of that. My computer always had an empty desktop, with all the files sorted into cascades of folders, with designated categories, making sure everything was in place. My computer also had an impressive variety of songs, with whole albums, more or less downloaded from the then unchecked and unregulated sources. I streamed a few movies and some TV series, or otherwise copied files from other friends. These were a matter of course then.
These days, I have spent less time on the photographs I would take, insisting on my anonymity wherever I was. I now have a messier "Pseudo-desktop" folder, for the clutter of files I am working on in my computer (I still enjoy a clean desktop). I have transferred my old photos, music, movies and series files on external hard drives. I have felt no need to open most of them in the past 5 years. Somehow, because of the changes I have made, I feel judgmental towards other people who keep the old things in their life, or are amassing such things. I did enjoy all those things as a younger person. Simply, I no longer do.
I guess what I do want to change is my attitude of being judgmental. Just because they were things I used to enjoy but no longer do, it does not mean I have to thing less of those who currently do. Perhaps these things have their own season, and that I have only to sort, re-sort, keep some then discard some things.

posted from Bloggeroid

Thinking about time makes me panic

I can be very neat, and I can also be very awkward, but there are times that I can really get over that. The worst of my waking nightmares is starting the day late. I like to start early with work, because I like to fuss over method. I have a nickname, used primarily by Poy, "Turtle."
Like the turtle, time is very very precious to me. The only way I know to do my work best is step by step. I carry everything I need and might need when I work.
This week, the church I work with celebrated 39 years as a registered organization, and for the past 6 years, I have been working as the secretary. I grew into my job, and I have learned that my work style really requires me to be early. I have a habit of setting up a work station, where everything I might need is within sight and reach. I do not work fast, but I like working like an assembly line.
During the anniversary service last week, I came in 2.5 hours before the start of the service to set up technicals. A significant amount of time I spent cleaning, and a bit of time I spent delegating tasks to some helpful early birds. We finished set up after 2 hours, and the 0.5 hours I just used to calm down. At the end the packing up took 2 guys 0.5 hours to store all the equipment.
I enjoy working down a to-do list, not so appreciative of the success to the deadline, but more that I have done the task well. I do mind the time when I work, but I just feel panic with that element. I live with it, and I understand why it is important. It's like cooking a stew. It's nice when you have all day to prepare, but you still have to eat something by dinner.

posted from Bloggeroid

Occasional Teaching

When I can, I definitely enjoy teaching/facilitating discussion. I appreciated the method used by elementary school teachers where I studied, where they would use charts and colored paper with all the important words and concepts to take note.
I have always been an outliner... if that's a thing. I favored enumeration and sorting concepts of the same kind. Mind-mapping, linear relationships and squiggles between concepts have never been daunting.
This weekend, I am engaging in a first: facilitating book study for my church youth group. It's been a while since my last book report, and I consider this a re-training for facilitating a workshop with the use of a guide, which will be an activity I should look forward to in the next few months. I have been part of a book study group in the past, but never as a facilitator. Presuming that all the participants read the book, my job would be easy; but treading the difference between those who have accomplished this and those who have not will make my challenge more daunting.

posted from Bloggeroid

Waking up early used to be a thing for me

... or was it? I mean, I could wake up early when I prepare for it the night before, but to think of it, I really have a mixed up version of protest and nonchalance to waking up early since I was young.
Growing up it was just a matter of course, until the summer. Or until there was an adult who would goad me into being the best kid ever for always waking up early after sleeping early the night before.
Now, I find that I have to wake up earlier again because so much needs to be done. It seems like a good idea nowadays. Coming up in the next few posts, perhaps reflections about what in this world am I doing.

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